Living with Depression: Is There Any Light?
September 13, 2021
Today was hard. I could barely fall asleep even with my sleeping medications and I woke up from a nightmare at 6. I am tired already and it is there. That huge emptiness. How can you be sad from a scary nightmare? I should have been scared, right? Instead, I felt like crying. Somehow my heart was breaking. Something sad happened in my dream that I do not remember! I just remember the scary part. How can you even be so sad about something that you cannot even remember? I do not understand!
I had a counseling session with my regular counselor today at noon. I haven’t talked to him after the incident so I had to go over all of those things today: the overdosing, my stays at the psych ward, my longing for someone to be there for me, me realizing I am going to die alone in a hospital bed desperately looking for someone on the bedside, and of course, me being alive or dead does not matter a bit. I started feeling worse than I was before the session. This pain, I do not even understand this pain, but it is so strong that I keep wishing that if I could just stop existing. It feels like a punishment, a lifelong punishment. As if I am cursed or something. Maybe I deserve all this pain. Maybe my ex-husband was right. Maybe I am an awful person who will never find peace.
I am trying to stay positive here. But it is so much hard today. I could not work at all. I am not doing well. I am gonna need a lot of help this semester. Even would that be enough for me to survive? Will I ever get better?
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If you are struggling or know someone struggling, please seek help. Find professional help if you can. Find someone who would understand your pain. Do share your feeling, share your pain. You can also email me here for support: <proudly.broken.me@gmail.com>. if uncomfortable, email anonymously. But don’t suffer alone. We are in this together! Let’s be kind to ourselves.
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Read next:
Previous stories of this series:
- Living with Depression: What Does It Feel to be Normal?
- Living with Depression: Someone brave reached out to me!
- Living with Depression: A Tiny Little Success
- Living with Depression: I Lost Again!
- Living with Depression: Still Struggling
- Living with Depression: Is being Alive a Punishment, a Curse?
- Living with Depression: What is the point
- Living with Depression: Can You Relate
